I'm Not Dead, I Promise

Like the title says: Really, I'm not dead. I just kind of had life sneak up on me and maul me so viciously, like life tends to do.

My life isn't too drastically different from when I last posted, I suppose - I'm still nursing Aurora, although now with her at 14 months the concerns of my low supply are behind us. She nurses for the comfort now, and I don't really make enough for it to be any more than that. This is fine, this is what I wanted, and words cannot express just how happy I am to be able to tell people, "Yes, I have a low milk supply, but look what I managed to do!" It makes me happy to know that I could potentially be a cheerleader to other women dealing with the same thing.

Aurora is also walking. She was a little behind in physical milestones, learning to roll over at about 5 months, to sit up unassisted at about 7 or 8 months, putting herself into a seated position at 9 months, crawling at 10 months. I had to fight back the scream of joy I wanted to let out when she learned to walk at 12 and a half months old, and now at 14 months she practically runs, and has also figured out how to walk backward. Is this normal? I have no idea.

I'm having a bit of a personal struggle at the moment - I appear to be unable to lose weight. I started up my Wii Fit Plus again, and was just watching my weight sloooooowly creep up, anywhere from a quarter to a half pound a day. This may be possibly explained by the approach of my lady time (due tonight) or a completely freakish late ovulation and thus pregnancy. I will readily admit that I haven't been perfect with my eating, and could probably stand to drink a bit more water than I do, although I drink normally about 9 glasses or so. I guess what I'm saying is, I know I'm doing a lot of stuff wrong, but it's REALLY discouraging to just watch that line that is my weight slowly creeping up.

I've been following FlyLady and WOW. My house has been looking phenomenal. (Although not as good as it could, as I look into my kitchen and cringe) My husband appreciates coming home to a house that's at least not trashed, which is something he didn't always get from me. Before Aurora was born, I will freely admit that I didn't do much at all. I'd kind of run around picking stuff up in a dash, throwing it all into the "spare room" (or as I fondly called it, "the place stuff goes to die") and vacuuming before guests come over. I'd kind of try to keep people out of the kitchen (as that was always a wreck) and... I can't do that in this condo. The kitchen is truly the heart of this home, right next to the dining room, which is right next to the living room. I can't try to hide it from people. So, I must clean it, and that's really where my main encouragement has been. I'm pretty excited.

I suppose I should leave more updates for future posts so I have reason to write, huh?

New Year

I have been gone. I came to realize I have major milk supply issues and I've needed to work on those. How did I learn this?

• I stopped waking up engorged when my daughter would sleep through the night.
• My appetite declined sharply.
• My daughter fussed a lot.
• My daughter was very, very skinny. She was born at 8 lbs, 6 oz - at three and a half months old, she weighed 9 pounds.

So, I have been using donated breastmilk to supplement in a supplemental nursing system after I nurse her (she takes between 1 and 2 ounces per feeding from that), pumping after nursing, and taking 33 pills a day. (3 brewer's yeast, 4 fenugreek, 3 blessed thistle, and one multivitamin, 3 times a day.) This has helped IMMENSELY. It's tiring, my day is basically nurse, use the SNS, change Aurora, pump, wash SNS and pump parts, play with Aurora for about half an hour, let her nap for a half hour, rinse and repeat. All day. It's exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I believe it's worth it, though - in one week, she went from 9 pounds to 9 pounds, 10 ounces... She'll have another doctor's appointment soon and we'll see how well she's continued to do.

Mike has two cousins who have children around Aurora's age. Both of them have already stopped breastfeeding, presumably due to supply issues similar to mine. It makes me a little sad that they would give up instead of fighting to continue. Yes, I spend most if not all of my day sitting in the recliner nursing my daughter, but I know she's getting what's best for her. She is completely worth the effort I'm expending to do this, and I can't imagine doing anything less than everything I can for her.

My mother and my step-father drove back up here to Michigan from Illinois to help me out while I got this straightened out, and it has helped me so much. Part of my problem was that I wasn't eating enough food. My body barely had enough to sustain me, much less both of us, so it gave up the milk to keep me going. Now that I'm eating at least two small snacks between each meal (crackers and cream cheese, or yogurt and granola, things like that) and massive breakfasts, lunches, and dinners in comparison to how I used to eat, I'm feeling a difference. It's sad that it took me four months to realize it, but I just had to do it. When they had to leave, Mike stepped in and made sure I kept going.

I'll admit it - I'm scared. Mike is going back to work tomorrow (he was on vacation this last week, before that my mother was here) and I'll be on my own during the day. I'm not sure why it frightens me, I've taken care of her alone before... I think the reason I'm so scared is because all these problems started while I was taking care of her alone. I'm scared that if I'm left alone again, I'll fail again.

By the way, we did start on cloth diapers. I personally find them very, very easy, and Aurora's face brightened the first time I put one on her. I said to her, "yes, sweetheart, I'd rather wear normal undies than newspaper, too."